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Ask Brenda
December 22, 2004
(Ask Brenda is a regular feature of the "Secure Start" a quarterly newsletter published by Hollister for people with ostomies. To subscribe, call 1-800-323-4060)
Dear Brenda: I am getting plenty of support while I am coping with my new ostomy, but I worry about my partner. Any suggestions?
When I was recovering from my colostomy surgery, my husband was dealing with two preschool children, trying to hold on to his job and mourning his fathers sudden death. It was amazing he held things together as well as he did. As patients, we get a lot of attention, while our partners get very little. We sometimes forget they have to adjust to our new bodies as well, and might benefit from talking about it with others.
Here are some suggestions that might help:
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Ask friends to spend time with your spouse/partner. They can go to a movie, dinner or just for a walk, but should allow time to talk over concerns and ask if they need anything.
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As a couple, get support from groups like the United Ostomy Association. At their national conferences they address this issue. They also have literature they can send to you. Your local chapters often encourage partners to attend rap sessions and often have groups for partners of ostomates to meet, compare notes, and offer each other understanding. Just as no one really understands an ostomy unless they have one, the same thing applies to partners.
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For some people, professional counseling might be appropriate.
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Hollister has nurses on staff to offer support and information.
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It is a good idea for partners to know what medications and products each uses in case of a medical emergency. Write them down someplace that is easy to find.
My husband is a master of puns, almost to the point of agony (mine). At the time of my illness and surgery, things got very serious, very fast. He didnt make a pun for almost two years. As much as they had tormented me in the past, I now longed for them, because Id know his heart was lighter.
Things take time and I am happily being assaulted with puns these days.
Prior to surgery and the night before my big CAT scan (a test that would reveal if the cancer had spread), I was lamenting to my husband as I tossed and turned, What if its in my liver? With a straight face, he replied, Oh, liver alone. It was so stupid it made me laugh and I fell fast asleep.
I hope you all have partners that like to torture you with their humor. When they see you laugh, it'll help them to lighten up, too.
Brenda Elsagher is an ostomate, comic, national speaker and author of the book, If the Battle is Over, Why am I Still in Uniform? She resides in Burnsville, MN. Please direct Ask Brenda questions to her at brenda@itsyourjoy.com.
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